Bridal Basics
by Whispy Stalker
Summary: What could possibly be funnier than Relena developing a uni-brow which resembles a tarantula, Duo, succumbing to a story fabricated by two perverted couples living in his brain, and Relena going insane planning a wedding? Read On! O.


**Disclaimer:** This is a story based on an article by Dave Berry. I am sorry to say that I don't own any Gundam Wing, although I love it lots.

This is the second story of my 'Basics' series. Enjoy!

Bridal Basics 

This is one of the thoughts that I had the …um…pleasure of intercepting coming from Duo's train of thought through radio signals sent from his brain; which, I am sorry to inform you, are inhabited by two very perverted, crazy, old nuts.

"Hey Duo, buddy, I'll tell you exactly how I think their wedding is going to be like. I've had intense training about this in the training course while you were focusing on that big robot stuff." Crazy-Old-Nut- #1 While Nut #2 is dozing off due to the long, boring, announcement by Relena.

Duo thought about this hard. Really, he did. He is currently at Relena and Heero's engagement party. He had just been informed about he special day only an hour ago and he didn't want to be thinking weird stuff. The old nut didn't even wait for an answer and began.

"Well, you see, boy, we are coming to an important wedding event right?"

Duo nodded his head, unconsciously at first than, after noticing the life threatening glares that were fired at him from both sides, which included about 1/8 of the population currently present at the party, Trowa and Wufei, he stopped. The old nut went on.

"This will be a magical time when the radiant bride, which in this case would be the honorable Relena, on her Most Special Day, finally makes that long-awaited walk down the Aisle of Joyfulness to stand next to the Man of Her Dreams, which in this case would be Heero, when she suddenly realizes (are you ready?) that she forgot to pluck out her Middle Eyebrow of Grossness. Because Relena, being the sophisticated politician that she is, knows that a wedding video is forever."

"How do you know that reporters are allowed?" Crazy-Old-Nut #2 Who woke up and became interested in the story.

"No, you smuck, of _course_ reporters are not allowed…" Crazy-Old-Nut#1 

By this time, Duo is repeatedly racking his brain for Nut #1 to continue. He had become interested by his fascinating story.

"Alright, ok, that's enough lad, you don't need to think so hard. Sheesh. Haven't seen you think so hard since, well, never." Old-Nut #1 continuing on, "Relena knows, because her wedding is being filmed, that 20 years later, she would be showing her video to her friends , and as soon as she left the room, they'd turn to each other and say, 'what was that on her forehead? A tarantula?'"

"Oh yes, I see. There is a LOT of pressure on today's bride to make her Big Day fabulous and perfect." Old Nut #2 

"Oh yeah? What do you know?" Nut #1 smirking. "Well, anyway, Overseeing a modern wedding is comparable, in terms of complexity, to flying the Wing Zero with out the controls and Heero to help you; in fact, its _worse_, because Gundam crew members don't have to select their silver patter. This is done for them by ground-based engineers. Aren't I right, Duo?"

Again, Duo could been seen nodding stupidly. This time, though, Hilde is glaring at him also.

Nut # 1 Continuing, "It kinda goes like this, you see:

**Command Center**: Okay, Discovery, were gonna go with the "Fromage de Poisson" pattern, over?

**Discovery**: Houston, we have a problem with the asparagus server."

"Doesn't the bride get some help though?" Old Nut #2 

"Well yes, of course the bride, in this case, Relena, does get some help. The multibillion dollar U.S. wedding industry-currently the second-largest industry in the United State, behind the _latte _industry-helps the bride of all the decisions she has to make RIGHT NOW concerning critical issues such as the florist and the caterer, and the cake and the centerpieces and the guest favors for the formal cocktail reception." Old Nut #1 

"There are guest favors at the formal cocktail reception?" Duo's brain, the space that is unoccupied (a very small amount) by the junk from the old geezers, and Old-Nut #2 thought together, incredulously.

"Of COURSE there have to be guest favors at the formal cocktail reception! Don't you two know ANYTHING?" Old-Nut #1 "Well, back on the subject at hand, of course the groom, which in this case Heero, has responsibilities, too. According to ancient tradition, on the morning of the wedding the groom must check the TV listings to make sure that here is no playoff game scheduled (Note from author_: Don't look at me like that! It COULD happen!_) during the ceremony, because if there is, he would have to miss it (the ceremony). But the other 19 million…He He HE! Quit Laughing! You're making me laugh too!"

This time, Duo can't help but let out a little chuckle as the old nuts in his brain hollered with obnoxious laughter. "What's wrong with you?" Hilde asked with an alarming glare and a whack on the wrist.

"Oh, it's just the old guys in my brain." At that precise moment, a hand whacked him on the head. And I'd like to inform you: the hand knows how to speak!

"I hope that helps," the hand whispered coldly. (Oh, it was only an actual hand that is connected to an actual body, of an actual living being called a person. Which in this case is an actual Heero. Uh-oh.) Sometime during the story, Heero had actually moved away from his little princess, and sulked over here, by him and Hilde.

"Oh, sorry…" Duo muttered, guiltily, and Heero gave him one final glare and sulked off again.

"Wha'd he do that for?" Old-Nut #1 "It made me loose my train-of-thought."

"I think you were somewhere about 90 million something." Nut-2 

"Right, thanks." Old-Nut #1 clears throat, indignantly at what Heero did, "As I was saying, the 19 million other wedding details are pretty much left up to the bride, which in this case would be Relena; this is why, when she finally gets to her Most Special Day, she is clinically insane. Here is an example: Exhibit A is Princess Diana. People ask: "What went wrong? Princess Diana had the Fairy Tale Wedding of the Century!" Yes! Exactly! YOU try planning the Fairy Tale Wedding of the Century! This poor woman didn't just have to think about party favors; she had HORSES in her wedding. A LOT of them. Just try to imagine the etiquette issues: What color should the horses be? Should they be invited to the reception? Should they have centerpieces? What if they _eat_ the centerpieces? (Ok Duo, I know Relena might not have horses at her wedding, but what if she invites the whole congress? It would be 10 times worse!) These are just a few of the issues Princess Diana was grappling with while Prince Charles was out riding around whacking grouse with a polo mallet. No wonder there was tension!"

_Yeah, but princess Diana, I mean she was _old_ when she got married!_ Duo thought. Italics signal Duo's train of thought

"But it's not just Princess Diana!" Nut #1 in strong defense, "Wedding planning makes _all_ brides crazy. Anybody who doubts this statement should investigate what actually goes on at a 'bridal shower.'"

"A bridal shower? I haven't even been to a bridal shower! So…" Duo blurted out accidentally, only to be cut off by a familiar voice coming from behind him.

"Well, Hilde can tell you all about it afterwards!" Relena appeared suddenly. Duo stiffened. Uh-oh.

"I don't know about you," Nut-#1 continuing, without regard to who is now standing right in front of Duo.

_Shut up!_

"but I used to think that a shower was just a sedate little party wherein the bride's women friends gave thoughtful little gifts to the bride and ate salads with low-fat dressing on the side. Wrong."

**Please**_ Shut Up! _Duo's face started to contort.

"You would not _believe_ the bizarre things women do at these affairs. For example, I have it on excellent authority that women at showers play this game wherein teams compete to see who can make the best wedding dress _out of toilet paper_. I'm not making this up! Ask a shower attendee! If a _man _were to wrap himself in a personal hygiene product, he'd immediately be confined in a room with no sharp objects, but his is considered normal behavior for a woman planning a wedding."

"Yeah that's right!" Nut-#2 Chiming in, even though he has no idea what Nut-#1 meant.

_You guys are making me look very foolish! And why is she staring at me? Where's Heero when you need him?_

Nut-#1 Keeps continuing, still ignoring Duo's sticky situation, " I have been informed by an informed source that women at bridal showers also sometimes play a variation of "Pin the Tail on the Donkey," except that instead of a picture of a donkey, they use a picture of a man, and instead of a tail, they use something that is not a tail (if you get my drift)."

Relena, at the same moment was wondering if there was something on her face. Maybe the pudding she had earlier? But she had wiped her mouth. She checked anyway, by licking her lips and as far as she could reach on her cheek with her tongue. "_Ahh_," Duo, who can no longer stand Relena's staring and personal hygiene, screamed, "_they are out to get us_!" And ran out of the room as if the whole Senate was after him, singing.

"Hey, hey! Duo! I'm not really suggesting that Relena _will_ play this game at her shower! I'm just saying that there is a 99.9 possibility. Anyway, just get that mental picture out of your mind. Hey, _Smuck_! You gotta help me with this!"

A silence stretches out and the Jeopardy music plays as Nut-#2 slowly deletes the unwanted information from Duo's brain. _Do _Do_ Do Dodo Do _Do_ Do Do _Do_ Do _Do_ DO Dododododo. _Sorry about the long wait, but I am sorry to inform you that Duo's brain is only capable of supporting a window 95 modem right now, mostly due to the loss of brain cells and build up of Crazy Old Nut waste products. (We wouldn't go there.) FINALLY, the information clears out. _Eureka_! We have a winner!

"Are you ok now?" Nut-#1 Asked gently as Duo stopped screaming and returned to the room.

_Yeah, what did I do? I mean, you were talking about a bridal shower then… _WHOOSHDuo thought as he walked over to where he was standing, and where Relena is still standing while looking very, VERY, stared, and rubbed his head.

"Is something wrong, Duo?" Relena asked, worry lines appearing around her clear, blue eyes.

"No. Er. Nope. What did I do this time?"

Relena just stared at him with a very, very, worried look on her face.

_Did I do something? Maybe she's just hallucinating. Yeah, that's **gotta** be it._

Nut-#1 Continuing again, "Well, all I'm saying is that, with a engagement among us, you may find yourself near a woman, which in this case is standing right in front of you, in the throes of planning a wedding; if so, and it is so, by the way, you need to recognize that she is under severe pressure, and above all, you need to do _exactly as she says _(you need to tell that to Heero too, by the way). If she wants you to wrap yourself in toilet paper, or purchase and wear a bridesmaid's dress that makes you look like a walking Barcalounger, JUST DO IT. You should do it even if you are the groom, (which in this case you are not). Because this is the bride's Most Special Day, and you would want Heero to help her make sure everything is exactly the way she wants it when the two of them finally stand together in front of all of their friends and loved ones, and the gaze upon each other's face, and they say the words that each of them, especially Relena, has been waiting a lifetime to hear: "Hey! What's that between your eyebrows? Which, by that time, Duo, you will be laughing yourself unconscious and trying to capture every moment of it because they were naïve enough to give you the camera." Crazy Old Nut #1 #2 simultaneously roared with laughter.

Meanwhile, Duo, immersed in the interesting story of the bride with an uni-brow, proceeded to staring at Relena's fore head. Relena, feeling his gaze, put a self-conscious hand up to her eyebrow and wondered what he was staring at as Heero came up behind Duo and whacked him in the head again.

Well, that's it! Hope you enjoyed the story! Before you leave, drop one off in the review box for me!


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